Problum page

There's a sayin yooo downt heer oftun these days which goes 'there's no point yowlin in the dark'.

I fink this means if yooo hav a problum it's far bettur to sort it owt wiv help than go rownd wiv yor wiskurs orl droopin an bein scratchy wiv yor friends.

So this page is to help yooo, my fans readurs wiv yor problums. If yoo have a problum, just click the contact us buttin an I'll put yor lettur on the page wiv my thorts.

Dear Boy,

I hav a problum. My ownur keeps givin me fancy collurs an such an calls me 'kittywitty' when she wants a cuddle. I fink this is enough to make me puke, (which I did larst evnin just when she was goin to bed.) an so I wood like sum advice pleese.

yors fayful,

Tobias Crumpkin

Well, deer reeder, pukin is one way to get yor messig across, but I hav fownd it can take years to train an ownur in the pukin code.

Collurs is a commun, but easily solved problum. Just go an find yorself a luvly big twig an pull it off. Or, roll in foxes doins. (This option is less popular as it involves bein barthed in watur, but the collur will be thrown away wiv no trouble at orl.)

As to kitty witty an othur narsty langwidge, well, the best fin to doo is scratchin. Ownurs hate scratchin. Scratch yor furniture or a carpit. Drastic messures may call for a lite hand scratch, but this can have dire consikwensis. (See next lettur)

This next lettur is from a human ownur. I fink this is a very important messige so read carefully!!!

Deer me! Wot a muddle yooo are in. Now this is actually a very simple problum to solve, but yooo will have to be qwite strong. First fings first. Your cat is NOT a person. It is a cat an it does not like to be embarrassed. Unfortunutly kitty an fluffy ar not words than any self respectin cat wants to heer. So cut owt the bad words an fings will get bettur. Orlso, scratchin is sumtimes caused by a cat bein bored. Are there trees an fings to climb where yoo live? Let Hermione OWT!!! She will love her new freedom an soon that scratchin will turn to purrin.

Dear Boy,

I am at the end of my tether. My delightful fluffy kitty has begun scratching everything in sight. I could cope with this, after all when your beloved kitty is the most important little person in your life, you let them get away with anything! But recently Hermione has also taken to scratching me. After my last visit to the doctors for a tetanus jab, I decided I'd have to send the cat to a new home. I am very distressed at this idea, so if you can possibly help, I'd be delighted.

yours,

worried of Bognor